


I Don't Want To Forget

by damianwayne



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Same College AU, theres like... really really vague smut lmao
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 06:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8389933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/damianwayne/pseuds/damianwayne
Summary: When Ushijima first threw up flowers, he knew immediately why. It was because his love for Oikawa was unrequited.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello my friends its me  
> this is like the worst fic title im very uncreative and tbh i wanted to have like "blue hydrangeas" as a title but that reminded me of that other ushioi fic (swallowing hydrangeas or smth which is btw v good u should check it out) so i chose this one

When Ushijima first threw up flowers, he knew immediately why. It was because his love for Oikawa was unrequited.

He had heard of it before, of course. It could only get worse from here on, but when he first threw up flowers, Ushijima wasn’t too concerned. For weird reasons, he was just…  _ curious.  _ He took the light blue flower in his hands. Its color was the same as Aoba Johsai’s volleyball uniform.

Maybe the reason he threw up that exact one was because the person they were for was Oikawa. Ushijima of course hid the flowers immediately, not ready to tell anyone yet. He was sure he would have to some day, but now wasn’t the time.

He just realized he loved Oikawa and his love was unrequited. Ushijima knew one thing for sure: Oikawa would never love him back. He doesn’t even exactly know  _ why  _ he was in love with Oikawa, it’s not like they knew each other well. They’ve met each other on court several times in middle school and in each game Ushijima has won against Oikawa. 

Oikawa probably didn’t really like Ushijima, at least that’s what he gathers from Oikawa’s reaction towards him and his angry glares. But it’s not like that was reason for Ushijima to dislike him. Oikawa was beautiful in ways Ushijima never has thought anyone was possible to be.

Of course, everyone knew how handsome Oikawa was and yes, Ushijima was drawn to his appearance too, but there were other things about him. Ushijima loved his spike, his form was so elegant and the way he moved on court was fascinating to him.

He has never paid more attention to any other player, always wondered what it would be to have Oikawa on his side of the net and play with him, to have Oikawa toss the ball to him.

There were other things Ushijima noticed about Oikawa that he liked that peaked his curiosity and made him think more about him than anyone else, but he didn’t exactly know what those feelings had been.

Until he coughed that flower after a match in his second year of High School against Aoba Johsai and everything suddenly made sense. Ushijima put the flower into the pocket of his jacket and when he arrived back in his dorm, he took it out again and looked up the name for the flower.

When he was younger, he had a book full with pressed flowers. He stopped doing that, but the day he realized he was in love with Oikawa, he started one again. He collected every flower, looked up the name and wrote it next to.

He wrote about Oikawa too. Ushijima wasn’t really good with words, but he tried. He didn’t want to forget, but he knew he probably had to one day. 

That’s how it was. There are three ways how all of this could end.

  1. The person you love reciprocates your feelings and you will be cured.
  2. You die of the disease.
  3. You undergo a surgery which will cure you, but also make you forget the love you had and unable for you to ever feel it for the person again.



Oikawa would never love him back, Ushijima was sure of it.

He didn’t want to forget, he didn’t want to stop loving Oikawa, but he also didn’t want to die.

* * *

“Wakatoshi, can we go buy some ice cream later?” Tendou asks, knowing very well that even if Ushijima would say no, he’d do it anyway.

“Of course,” Ushijima replied and held out the notebook. It was simple, blank pages without any lines and black. “I have to pay first.”

“What do ya need that for anyway?” Tendou asked, folding his hands behind his head. 

“My book is full already,” Ushijima replied and walked towards the cashier who had been eyeing them ever since they entered the shop because Tendou was way too loud.

“What book?” Tendou asked. “Oh, you mean the book where you put all those flowers in?”

“Yes,” Ushijima said. He didn’t even know Tendou knew about the book, but Tendou probably knows a lot more than you’d expect him to.

Tendou kept on talking until the notebook was paid and they were outside again, until Ushijima coughed. And the coughing wouldn’t stop. Half a year has passed since he threw up the first flower and it has only gotten worse since then.

At first he only threw up a few every few days, but then it happened daily, but now it happened so often, that Ushijima was afraid he won’t be able to hide it anymore. 

People were watching them too and Tendou was worried, slapping on Ushijima’s back. Then it happened. Ushijima stopped coughing and looked into his palm, a yellow flower in it. He had that one before. 

“Yellow Columbine,” Ushijima said and Tendou stared at the flower.

“What?”

“The name of the flower,” Ushijima explained. “It’s a Yellow Columbine.”

“Wakatoshi, who the  _ hell  _ cares about what flower that is?” Tendou took his arm and dragged him into an empty alley. “You have the Hanahaki disease!”

“I know.”

“You know? How long?” Tendou asked.

“A little bit over half a year,” Ushijima said.

“Half a year.  _ Half a year _ ! Wakatoshi, what the hell? You know you can  _ die  _ from it- So this is where you got all your flowers from! Who is it! Oh god, it’s Oikawa, right? I knew it!” Tendou shouts.

“Is it that obvious?”

Tendou laughed. “Of course it is. Who else would you love? But,  _ love,  _ Wakatoshi. It’s not just some crush.”

“I know.”

“Half a year,” Tendou repeated. “You have to get surgery soon. I can’t believe you didn’t tell anyone! At this point you shouldn’t be able to play volleyball anymore.”

Ushijima had felt weaker the last few weeks, but he tried his best not to show anyone. Tendou put his hand on Ushijima’s shoulder. “This will get better! My uncle is a doctor who specializes in it, if you want to, I can give you his card!”

Ushijima blinked. “Right. Thank you.”

* * *

Surgery. He had to do it.

He wasn’t getting any better and Tendou made him tell the coach and his family about it. They were all expecting it, expecting Ushijima to get it cured. His surgery was scheduled for this weekend and he wasn’t allowed to play volleyball anymore and afterwards for an entire week.

Ushijima hated it, but he hated it more that it meant he had to let Oikawa go.

He will forget this feeling. He’ll never know what it was like to love Oikawa again. He won’t look at him and see the most beautiful person anymore, will not wonder how it would be like to be right next to him, make him smile and laugh, touch him, or kiss him.

Ushijima will not have those emotions anymore. He’ll forget it and the only thing left that will remind him of it were his notebooks filled with flowers and words that will not make sense to him afterwards.

The sad thing is, Oikawa will never know. He will never know that Ushijima loved him and that it almost killed him. It also kills him that he had to let that go, but he couldn’t die. He has heard of people who turned down surgery and rather died than ever stop loving that person. 

Ushijima wondered if choosing to do the surgery meant his love wasn’t strong enough or if he wasn’t strong enough. 

The day before the surgery, Ushijima went to Aoba Johsai. He wanted to see Oikawa one last time, wanted to talk to him. He was feeling weak, his throat dry and his complexion pale. 

They had told him to lay down until the surgery, but he didn’t listen. Ushijima has felt sick and every time he moved it hurt the last few days, but everyone understood, when he said he wanted to see Oikawa one last time.

Tendou and Reon even accompanied him, waited in front of the gate of Aoba Johsai for him, respecting his choice to go alone.

Ushijima walked down the school ground, several people turned their head to him. Of course he stood out. Not only was he way broader and taller than most students, he also wore a scarf and a jacket despite it being fairly warm. And a surgery mask.

He could hear the voices of the volleyball team from outside the gym already. He didn’t even know what he wanted to do. Oikawa will probably think it’s creepy, but he needed to do it one last time. 

He looked through the window and there he was. Oikawa Tooru, the man he loved and he took Ushijima’s breath away like always. He didn’t even do anything, he wasn’t playing. He was just standing next to someone else, talking and joking with them. He looked happy, throwing his head back, his eyes closed.

Ushijima wished he could make him laugh like that. 

It seemed like practice was almost over and they were soon leaving to get changed, so after a while, Ushijima walked away. He didn’t know what he expecting from seeing him one last time.

“Ushiwaka?” The voice it came from wasn’t Oikawa. Ushijima turned around to see Iwaizumi, the ace of Aoba Johsai standing in front of him.

“Iwaizumi,” he said.

“What the hell are you doing here? Are you spying on us? Never thought you’d fall that low,” Iwaizumi growled and Ushijima didn’t know how to respond.

He heard the voices of the other players coming nearer, so Ushijima walked away quickly, but Iwaizumi followed him. “Hey! I wasn’t done talking to you!” Ushijima grabbed his arm and dragged him behind the gym.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t want him to see me.”

“Him? Oikawa? What the hell is going on here?!” 

Ushijima wanted to say something, but all words were lost, when he started to cough again. He crouched and leaned against the wall.

“Shit,” Iwaizumi muttered and Ushijima took off his mask, trying to gasp for air, until some flowers fell onto the ground and he was able to breathe properly again. Iwaizumi stared at the flowers on the ground and for the first time Ushijima didn’t even bother to pick them up again.

“It’s Oikawa, isn’t it?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Wow,” Iwaizumi said. “That’s… fucked up. You know he will-”

“Never love me back? Yes, I am aware of that.” Ushijima put on his mask again. “I’m getting surgery tomorrow.”

“Oh.” Iwaizumi nodded.

“Don’t tell him,” Ushijima said. 

“Huh? You think you can make me lie to my best friend?” Iwaizumi asked and Ushijima hesitated.

“I don’t think Oikawa would be happy about knowing that I had a disease for half a year because of him, no matter how much he disliked me,” Ushijima said and Iwaizumi closed his mouth, knowing it was true.

“Fine,” he said. “That’s why you’re here, right?”

“Iwa-chan, where are you, I’m waiting for-” Oikawa stopped right in front of them. God, he looked so good and Ushijima wanted to touch him  _ one last time.  _ He wanted to know what it was like to touch Oikawa when he was still in love with him, how it would feel like.

But he couldn’t. 

“Ushiwaka?! What the fuck are you doing here?” Oikawa asked. “You’re here to spy on our practice right? Well, peek all you want, you won’t get anything out of it! We will destroy you the next time!” He smirked dangerously.

Ushijima blinked and nodded. “Good luck.”

“Ugh, you really piss me off, you know that?” Oikawa asked. “Come, Iwa-chan. Let’s get out of here!” He took his best friend’s arm and dragged him away. “See you on court, Ushiwaka!”

 

* * *

* * *

 

When Oikawa first got into college and found out he was on the same team as Ushijima, he had been furious. In no universe would he ever get along with Ushijima, his rival for  _ years _ . He would not toss to him, he will not talk to him and he’d never ever be his friends.

At first, it seemed like that was a fact that couldn’t be changed, but over the time, it did.

At first, Oikawa did toss to him.  _ Of course _ , he had to. It would be childish and stupid of him not to, they were on the same team, they had to work together and Ushijima was, sadly, a very strong player.

And they worked so well together, as if they were always meant to be. Ushijima wasn’t  _ that  _ bad, when he didn’t open his mouth and they didn’t spend any time except for practice with each other.

But of course, they had to. They had some classes together and the same friend group, so they were forced to be together. Oikawa stopped being petty at some point and mean to him, and just ignored him.

He still got angry at how blunt Ushijima was sometimes, but it wasn’t that often and it wasn’t the same anymore. After a while, they started talking to each other and he found out more about Ushijima. He really wasn’t  _ that  _ bad, when he did open his mouth and they spend their time after practice getting lunch together.

They became friends and Oikawa found himself smiling and laughing with Ushijima way too often than his past self would’ve liked it. And after a while, Oikawa noticed other things about Ushijima too. Well, he had noticed them before, but it never affected him. He never cared about Ushijima’s nice and gentle smile and his dark piercing eyes or his big hands before. Or his deep, deep voice and how nice it sounded especially when he said Oikawa’s name.

He noticed, how more drawn he was to Ushijima and how he thought about him way too often for them to be just friends. He liked Ushijima. 

When Oikawa realized he had a crush on Ushijima, he panicked. He tried everything to get rid of it, but every time he looked at Ushijima, it just made him fall even more.

He could see Ushijima from afar just eating an apple or something and he’d mutter something like “Look at this stupid loser eating a fucking apple,” under his breath while his heart raced faster and he imagined kissing Ushijima and it tasting like apple.

Oikawa really  _ hated  _ himself for it.

He called Iwaizumi one night. “Iwa-chan!” he screamed. “I have a problem.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for your entire life,” Iwaizumi replied and Oikawa rolled his eyes.

“Rude, Iwa-chan, I have a  _ serious  _ problem.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“No, I mean- I… I like Ushiwaka! Like, like  _ like. _ ” 

“Like, like  _ like _ like?” Iwaizumi teased him and Oikawa pouted.

“I’m serious.”

Iwaizumi was silent for a while. “It’s impossible,” he said.

“Huh? You could be more supportive!” His best friend didn’t say anything. “I know, he used to be kind of a dick, but he’s really not that bad. He’s fun to be with and I… I just like him a lot, okay? He’s cute. He’s really dense, but he has such a big heart! Did you know he has dogs? He loves dogs, Iwa-chan!

And he’s really hot too. A-And, I don’t know. He makes me feel good. I mean. Not in a sexual way, even though I  _ wish- _ ”

“Oikawa,” Iwaizumi interrupted him in a serious voice.

“Yes?”

“Stop.”

“Hey, I’m serious. You have to get to know him, he’s not like how he used to be in High School! Or he is, but I just never game him the chance-”

“I’m serious, Trashykawa, that stupid crush of yours is ridiculous and will get you nowhere!” Iwaizumi said.

Oikawa got angry afterwards and they got into a fight until Oikawa was screaming at his phone and angrily ended the call. He can’t believe Iwaizumi wasn’t supportive! Sure, he didn’t like Ushijima, but Oikawa wouldn’t have thought his dislike for him would go  _ that  _ far. 

It was unfair. Iwaizumi should just give him a  _ chance.  _ Oikawa called Ushijima right afterwards and asked if he had time to study together or watch a movie or just whatever, because he was angry and upset right now and Ushijima did always lift his spirits.

When he was next to Ushijima on his bed in his dorm and they were watching some volleyball match, Oikawa felt calmer.

Stupid Iwa-chan, he had no idea about love.

* * *

 

The next time Oikawa called Iwaizumi, he was in tears.

“Iwa-chan,” he cried into the phone.

“Shit, Oikawa, what’s up?”

Oikawa was sitting in front of the toilet and looked at the flower in it. He had thought he had to throw up, but instead all that came out was a flower. “You were right, Iwa-chan. Ushiwaka… You were right. I should’ve dropped it and stopped myself before it was too late.”

“Oikawa. What happened.”

“He doesn’t love me back,” Oikawa said, sobbing.

“Wait… did you confess?”

“No, obviously not. I coughed up a flower! He doesn’t love me back and now I have this stupid Hanahaki disease! What am I supposed to do now?! Iwa-chan, please, help me, I don’t know what to do…”

Iwaizumi comforted him over the phone and right before the call ended, Oikawa said: “You know what, Iwa-chan? I should stop crying and sulking.”

“Yes, you should.”

“I’m Oikawa Tooru, for god’s sake!”

“Yes, you are,” Iwaizumi agreed, which was rare.

“I can make everyone fall for me! Even Ushiwaka!”

“Yes you- Wait, what? No-”

“Thank you, Iwa-chan, you’re the best friend!” Oikawa ended the call and put on a bright smile. He could do this. 

* * *

It was about two weeks after that when Ushijima stopped Oikawa after practice. They already changed their clothes and showered.

“Can we talk?” Ushijima asked him.

“Don’t we always?” Oikawa replied, joking. “I wonder what’s for dinner today!” He walked towards the cafeteria, but Ushijima put his hand on Oikawa’s shoulder.

“We need to talk,” he said and Oikawa was nervous about what was going to happen. They walked to a bench and sat down, no one else in sight.

“Ushiwaka, come on, spill it! I’m shaking from nervousness!” Oikawa was trying to sound playful and cheery as ever, but he was nervous and indeed shaking.

“Iwaizumi called me,” Ushijima said.

“What?”

“He told me about your disease.”

Oikawa felt like his world was crashing down. His best friend betrayed him and told the person he loved about his feelings. “What?!” he shouted.

“He had to,” Ushijima said. “Please don’t be angry at him.”

“Of course I’m angry at him! He had no right to- Oh my god!” Oikawa put his face in his hands, his face was heating up. He hated him. He hated him so much. Oikawa didn’t know if he could forgive him.

“It’s for your best,” Ushijima said.

“What? You want to tell me to get surgery because you don’t return my feelings, Ushiwaka?” Oikawa asked. “Well, I’m not going to! I love you, okay? And I don’t want to forget that. And as long as I think there might be a chance for you to love me back, I’m not going to let it go!”

Ushijima looked at him with a pained expression. “Oikawa…”

“I get it. I can’t just force you to love me back, it doesn’t work that way. But… I can’t be the only one that feels it, right? We work well together… You and me, we fit. And if you, I don’t know, think about it more… maybe you’ll realize that you love me too,” Oikawa said. His voice was getting weaker and weaker with every word and he was clutching onto Ushijima’s jacket.

“I’m sorry,” Ushijima said.

“ _ Please _ ,” Oikawa pleaded. “Just give me a chance. Give  _ us  _ a chance.”

“I want to,” Ushijima said. “I really do.”

“But you don’t love me.” Oikawa chuckled. “Of course you don’t.”

“That’s not it. I  _ can’t  _ love you,” Ushijima said. “That’s why Iwaizumi told me. He knows.”

“No offense, Ushiwaka, but can you please talk clearly because you just broke my heart and now you’re talking in riddles,” Oikawa said.

“I loved you, about a year ago,” Ushijima said. “I loved you for a long time. I realized it after our last game against each other in the second year in High School.”

Oikawa widened his eyes and smiled. “That’s fantastic! Then you could love me again!”

“No, I can’t. I loved you and when I realized it was when I first started coughing up flowers.” Oikawa’s smile dropped.

“You… had the disease too,” Oikawa whispered.

“Yes.”

“But you’re fine now… And it doesn’t get cured with just simply falling out of love,” Oikawa said.

“No, it doesn’t. It almost killed me and… I got a surgery.” Ushijima looked away. “I didn’t want to. I was probably too weak. Tendou found out and he made me tell my parents and of course they told me to get surgery. 

And I understood that. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to forget you either. I collected every single flower for over half a year and looked up all their names. I still have them in two notebooks and I look at that every now and then.”

When his eyes met Oikawa’s again, Oikawa felt tears coming up. “I didn’t want to forget what I felt for you and how much I loved you. But I did. All I have left now are those pressed flowers in those notebooks. I don’t know… what it’s like to be in love with you. 

And I will never be able to. I’m sorry, Oikawa.”

Oikawa wanted to scream, he wanted to shout at Ushijima. Why didn’t he wait? Why hadn’t he went out of his way and tried to make Oikawa fall for him? But he knew the answer. Of course he couldn’t wait. Half a year was already long enough, people have died in a lesser time. And no matter what, Oikawa probably wouldn’t have fallen for him.

So instead, he cried. He put his head on Ushijima’s shoulder and cried into it. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, Ushiwaka! It’s not your fault! If only…” He coughed and threw up a flower into the palm of his hand.

“Hydrangea,” Ushijima said.

“What?”

Ushijima took the flower into his hand. “This was my first flower. It’s on the first page of my book.”

Oikawa swallowed hard. “Can I see it?”

* * *

 

He thought he might stop crying, but when Ushijima showed him the notebook, he cried even more, dropping tears onto the pages. He didn’t care anymore.

Ushijima had really pressed all of them carefully on the pages and written the names of them next to them. He also wrote about Oikawa. He was horrible with words and it made Oikawa smile, but it also hurt even more.

_ I wish I could play with him. _

_ He is beautiful. _

_ I wonder how he’d looked like with flowers in his hair. _

_ I don’t want to forget how I feel when he smiles. _

Oikawa gently touched the flowers. Dried flowers. Dried, just like Ushijima’s love for him. They were dead and couldn’t ever be brought back.

“Maybe this wasn’t a good idea,” Ushijima said. “Showing you.”

“It’s okay, Ushiwaka,” Oikawa said. “Thank you.” 

“You can keep one,” Ushijima said.

“What?”

“I assume you don’t want to forget the feelings you have for me either,” Ushijima explained. “You can keep one of the books to remind yourself.”

“You think I’m getting the surgery,” Oikawa said.

Ushijima looked at him with a firm expression. “Of course you will. I’m not going to let you die because of me. I don’t love you, but I still care about you.”

Oikawa smiled and wiped away his tears. “Thank you.” He closed the book and hugged it. “Can I kiss you?”

Ushijima didn’t say anything and only nodded slightly. Oikawa leaned closer and kissed Ushijima. It was a soft kiss and it tasted salty because of Oikawa’s tears. 

“Ushiwaka,” Oikawa whispered. “Can you... “ He blushed.

“What is it?”

“Would you sleep with me?”

“Oikawa…”

“Please. Just one time,” Oikawa said. “Before I get surgery and forget it. You wished you would’ve known too, right? How it felt like to touch me when you were still in love with me?”

Ushijima nodded. “Yes.”

“So…  _ please. _ ”

Ushijima cupped Oikawa’s face and looked into his eyes and kissed him again. Oikawa couldn’t believe that he didn’t love him, because it felt so  _ good.  _ No way he couldn’t be feeling anything. 

Ushijima gave everything Oikawa wanted that night. He wiped away Oikawa’s tears when he was laying on top of him and Oikawa was clinging onto him, whispering his name over and over.

“I love you, Wakatoshi,” Oikawa said. “I don’t want to forget this. I want to feel you like this forever. I love you, I love you, I love you.”

He was crying, digging his fingers into Ushijima’s hair, who didn’t have a response to Oikawa’s confession and just kissed him deeply instead.

* * *

 

“This is ridiculous, Ushiwaka,” Oikawa said when Ushijima visited him at the hospital and gave him those blue Hydrangeas as a gift. 

“You don’t like them?” Ushijima asked and Oikawa rolled his eyes.

“Well, they certainly don’t make me cry anymore,” he said and Ushijima nodded.

“That’s good.”

Oikawa smiled. “Thank you. For everything.”

Ushijima sat down on the seat next to Oikawa’s bed. “How are you feeling?”

Oikawa shrugged. “I don’t know. Good? Like always? I don’t know what it was like anymore and I hate it.”

“I know,” Ushijima said. “I know that feeling.”

“Does it get better?” 

Ushijima looked away. “Yes.”

Oikawa closed his eyes and breathed in the smell of the flowers. “Good. Because I have tons of admirers out there and I should get back into the game.”

“When have you ever been in the game?” Ushijima asked.

“Rude, Ushiwaka! You broke my heart like, only a week ago. Don’t raise your eyebrows, we’re ignoring the fact that I did it too.” Oikawa sighed. “Hey, Ushiwaka?”

“Yes?”

“I was your first too, right?” Ushijima nodded and Oikawa smiled again. “In another world, we probably would’ve been each other lasts too.”

“Not in this one,” Ushijima said and Oikawa looked down, not able to look him in the eyes.

“Yeah. Not in this one.”

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> i'm.. uh... sorry? at least nobody died


End file.
